I Auditioned To Be a Stripper/Here is My Raw-Vegan-Gluten Free Oatmeal Recipe
I couldn’t decide if I wanted my next blog entry to be my famous Raw/Vegan/Gluten Free Oatmeal recipe or if I wanted to share the story of the time I auditioned to be a stripper in the early 90s and then I realized, wow…. the two really work well together.
Hey, what stripper wouldn’t want a power packed, energy inducing meal before her shift? And hello, you really can’t be gassy, nor bloated when stripping down to a regulation thong whilst grinding ones buttock cheeks into a customer, now can you? Well, I suppose you can be gassy but that may severely affect the earnings of ones tips.
Not that I would know about earning big gorgeous tips by grinding my buttocks on or near a customer cuz Mama didn’t get hired. Me and my androg bust line and carpenters dream figure (straight as a board) apparently didn’t make the cut at Scores in NYC in 1994.
In the 90’s in the East Village NYC, my roomies slash best friends and I lived like there were constant camera crews surrounding us…a simple walk down First Avenue might have well been a dance sequence in a hit movie. I, however wanted to take my act on the road. I deeply craved the idea of seeing the world, I desperately envisioned myself in Europe. However, when I ran the numbers on my waitressing earnings from Benny’s Burritos and freelance jobs, I couldn’t see how I would ever achieve my dream of going to Europe. Soooooo like the clever lil chameleon kitty cat I can be, I called theeee premium gentleman’s club in Manhattan and asked what you needed to do to audition as stripper.
1. Auditions were at such and such time every third Thursday of the month.
2. Tell the doorman you are there to see Lou.
3. Must strip out of full-length evening dress to a regulation thong while wearing regulation heels.
3A. Regulation thong is two inches of lace in a T back formation; regulation heels must me at least 4 inches high. This information was explained in measured meticulous detail with little or no emotion by what I judge to be an older gal on the phone who probably lived in Queens.
4. Latex must be applied to nipples in co-ordinance with a newly passed regulation regarding being topless in public in NYC. (Cut to a few years later when all the neon TOPLESS DANCERS signs had to order an extra S to read STOPPLESS DANCERS. WompWomp)
5.Get your wardrobe in order and start visualizing dollar signs lil lady! $$$$$$$$ Cha-Ching!!!!
I begged my best friend, Sandy if I could borrow her Dee-Light inspired, grunge, crushed velvet, body con, maxi dress; then I skipped over to Joyce Leslie and found the perfect regulation slutty heel and thong. I ran up to 14th street and got a gorgeous red wig cut like a long bob with a heavy celebrity bang. I packed on the eye shadow, grabbed Sandy and out the door we rushed, laughing hysterically the whole way to Scores. We of course saw the irony in the whole situation.
I gave an Oscar worthy (am I exaggerating?) audition strip in a quiet side room of Scores, for three customers; all Asian businessmen whose attention I couldn’t hold. I worked, oh how I earnestly worked that stripper pole and I slithered right out of my evening dress down to my regulation thong, Damn it.
To this day, all I have to do is pull up that crystal clear image of myself deciding to really shake it while shimmying down that pole and see in my minds eye the Asian business man turn away and my gawd how do I laugh; big belly laughs. If my boobs were of Scores approved size they would be heaving.
In Lou’s office following my breath taking audition, he let me down gently with a solution; hey why don’t you go over to Billy’s Topless on 6th Ave they are a sports bar, more rock n roll East Village girls, he said while nodding to my 32A bust line. I thanked him for his brilliant idea while promising myself I would figure out another way to get to Europe. This is where the plot really takes a twist and turn; the part where good ole gorgeous fate steps in. A week later my phone rang; it was a fashion show producer I had been freelancing for during Fashion Week in NYC. The producer said, do you have a passport, no…. mmmm well if we got you a ticket to Florence, Italy to come work on Tom Ford’s show for Gucci could you get one expedited?
A week later I was gliding though the exquisite old beautiful city of Florence like I was the new Audrey Hepburn! Receiving compliments from the one and only Tom Ford on my chic navy shift as well as my neon plastic back pack with industrial zipper (that he asked to photograph for inspiration hello omg) made me feel like the bee’s knee’s. So you see my very first time to Europe was to one of the most beautiful cities, on first class flight and in a five star hotel working on the runway show for a breakout collection for Gucci. That year and the next I flew back and forth to Europe several times for both Gucci and Hugo Boss to Milan, Paris as well as Metzingen, Germany. To make the story even more delish the failed stripper was told to figure a out a place to vacation for a long weekend in Europe as that would be more cost effective than flying back to NYC only to turn around a few days later and head back to Italy….mama went to the Italian Riviera, it was hard, it was reaaally reaaally hard.
I am and always have been that kind of girl that finds the needle in the haystack. For the girl who grew up on welfare and thought she would have to shake her ta-tas to go to Europe this was pretty spectacular. Kids the moral of the story is dream big. No wait, dream bigger. I’m serious.
Here is my DreamBiggieSmalls (cuz your dreams will be big and your waistline will be small if you eat my) Oatmeal. This Oatmeal can be breakfast or dessert or a lil snackie poo. I really love this Oatmeal before a long day of shooting on location because it gives me major fuel and keeps me hilarzballs instead of moodily sulking in the RV while picking at hideous catering. I also love this Oatmeal before a maj workout at Soul Cycle.
Here is what you need my lil dream filled kitten:
Large glass bowl with lid or shit boo get creative and put a plate on it if you don’t have a lid. A coffee grinder or blender or Vitamix.
Ingredient List: Gluten Free Steel Cut Oats, Agave, Cinnamon, Raw Cashews, Organic Medjool Dates, Water, Cinnamon, Shredded Coconut, Fresh Blueberries.
This is as easy and fast as mixing together a Betty Crocker Cake Mix:
3 Cups of GF steel cut oats…divide in half. Throw one half in your glass bowl, the other half grind up in your coffee grinder/vitamix or blender then add to whole steel cut oats already in bowl.
Now grind up 1/2 cup of your raw cashews in your grinding component and throw em in your glass bowl.
Cut up six organic medjool dates into lil teenytiny pieces add to bowl.
Now add three or four big ole dollups (up to a 1/4 cup) of raw agave to your mixture and cover with ground cinnamon.
Your final step is 4 cups of cold water to the mixture.
Now get in that bowl and mix the hell out of it, put the cover on it and ignore it for about 12 hours, aka overnight, if we were, for example to measure time as it passes during a shift at Scores.
When you open your bowl 12 hours later the water will have been absorbed by the mixture, hence “cooking” your DreamBiggieSmalls Oatmeal. Serve into individual bowls topping with raw shredded unsweetened coconut and organic blueberries!
I am big ole healthy food snob/diva. I eat what I love to eat, which is mostly and exclusive relationship with whole foods. I eat foods that have a specific nutritional value for me. I don’t give a rats ass what you eat, enjoy a diet coke and McDonald’s if you want, I ain’t judging you (out loud) but I am silently judging you (just as the Asian business men and Lou did moi at Scores).
Here is what my DreamBiggieSmalls Oatmeal will do you for YOU (it won’t get you to Europe, sorry cupcake you will have to show us your tits for that)
GLUTEN FREE STEEL CUT OATS
Fiber and carbs aka you will poop and have tons of energy to shake what your mama gave ya. No gluten in em means no bloating by putting a paste similar to that what hangs wallpaper in your gut.
Not only do they give BiggieSmalls a creamy sweet quality but raw cashews give you maj protein, iron and magnesium. Magnesium literally relaxes your muscles, the one you shook you so hard at Scores in 1994. Magnesium is a relaxer…great after Soul Cycle or perhaps budgeting your Europe trip is giving you a headache. Kids if you eat roasted nuts you are just eating calories and fat…roasting takes away all the nutritional value of a raw nut, sorry someone had to say it.
ORGANIC MEDJOOL DATES
Basically Medjool dates are a super food and a healing food as they are packed full with a list a mile long of vitamins, minerals and fiber. Dates also act as a sweetener so you could use double the dates and no agave if ya felt like it. In addition, for all my lil sugar junkies out there dates are great way for you to get off the white stuff as they are super sweet and make a great lil snackie poo. In case you are thinking white stuff? Why doesn’t Galadriel like white stuff? Please reference my January 4, 2011 Blog Entry: DIET BLOG! DIETS ARE FUN! Then please see :Diet number 8: The Whites are Bad Diet. No white rice. No white flour. No white sugar. No white potatoes. And no white people. These white things will make you fat.
Agave is from a plant so boom right there! Kid, you do the math. If you are getting off white sugar, have blood sugar issues or need a low glycemic diet Agave is your new sweetener. As mama already said you can double up your dates instead of using agave if you prefer.
Aka your new best friend cuz it is one of the highest anti-oxidant foods ever ever ever plus it is anti-diabetic, anti-septic, local anesthetic, anti-inflammatory, rubefacient (warming and soothing) and hello it is anti-flatulent. Soooooo basically Cinnamon is a good stripper name and good stripper food cuz then you won’t have gas whilst emulating your best Magic Mike moves. Gorgeous!
It speeds up your metabolism and I don’t know if you are aware of this… but if you do ever find yourself in the employ of Scores you must submit to weekly weigh ins…so lets keep that metabolism speeding right along, shall we!
My oatmeal needs a lil color and what better fruit to add then the vitamin c packed fiber bomb The Blueberry!
All right kids enjoy eating my oatmeal and be really off the charts sexy while you do it. And I mean that kitty kats, spoon that Oatmeal in your pie hole like its liquid gold while doing a dance move from the 90’s such as The Butterfly.
Attached you will find a fab mp3 of Kreayshawns break out hit, Gucci Gucci I give this to you in honor of the collection that brought me to Europe. I personally enjoy dancing in place to this song while preparing my Oatmeal, I assume a character kinda like if I was a drug dealer thug. Try it, so fun!
*Very special Thanks to
Comedian, Sandra Bauleo who let me wear her crushed velvet body con dress and who accompanied me to Scores for my audition.
Kevin Krier of KK&A who was a mentor to this lil back woods hillbilly and taught me proper table manners and upon my arrival in Italy he presented me with my first Dolce and Gabbana handbag.
To Tom Ford who made me feel special while working for him.
And to Mr. James Scully who taught me to jauntily enter with a grin on my face to First Class flights, Five Star Hotels and to dinner parties with Fashion’s Elite.
Gucci Gucci by Kreayshawn