Lezberry Dating Advice for Straight Girlz subtitled DO NOT LOOK AT HIM LIKE SOMEONE TO SPLIT THE ELECTRIC BILL WITH.
Straight Single Ladies/SSL's, listen to Mother.[ For the purpose of this blog when I say Mother or Ma or Mama I mean myself.] Anyhooper, ole Ma knows best and I know why you are single, when what you want is, HRC. (Hot Rockin Cock). This blog is not to tell you how to keep him for years and years but how to score the first date and subsequent dates as well as many orgasms. Shall we read on to find out WHY/HOW/WHY? Before we commence with the life altering reading material I am about to provide, riddle me this, are you gonna get so grossed out if I once again start the blog with the instruction of mirror work and song? I would be quite pleased if you would go to a full length mirror and do the choreography of I Wanna Dance with Somebody the 1987 smash hit single by Whitney Houston on her second album (but as her true diesel dyke self rather than the creature the music biz made) whilst singing to the melody of Sheryl Crow's, 1993 hit which landed in billboards #2 position, All I Wanna Do….
"All I wanna do is blog blog blog. I wanna blog blog; baby is that so wrong" But Mother, why must we always start with mirror work? Because it's my blog, you little bitch, and I call the shots around this blog, got it!? Back to you and the issue at hand.
First off, think like a fag.
I am so sick, absolutely sick of you thinking like a future bride and mother. Seriously ladies, it's not working. Try the Fag Brain on.
WHY: Gay men are sex driven first, relationship driven second. Gay men have thee best sex lives and thee most active sex lives of any gender coupling you can concoct. Gay men, like the rest of us, desire to find their unicorn and buy a gorg penthouse and/or beach house with their hot hubby. However, they are also always open to just gettin some for the sheer pleasure of getttin some. When the gay man doesn't like something sexually about his partner du jour he knows there are 364 other du jours this year so keep on keepin on, aka DON'T SETTLE! Fag Brain: look amazing, be successful, get laid by anyone cute and eventually get laid by your unicorn.
No SSL's, I am not saying you have to bone in the bathroom at the restaurant on the first date but I am insisting on this: Learn to stop thinking like a straight girl with these easy do's and don'ts. Lez call them First Date Doosies and Don'tsies. HOW: Do not look at him and judge him via his online profile, his social network, google images or in person.
Please leave your judgement card at home and feel free to fill it out post first date, but I would prefer that you wait until after the third date to fill out the judgement card. Do not think, could he be my future husband. Do not think, does he make enough to support our future unborn child. Do not think, do I agree with his politics, hobbies, family background, career. Cuz none of that affects the way his cum taste, honey. What will effect his cum taste is how much meat/cheese/booze he consumes, but that my dear, SSL is another blog; that knowing me has something to do with kale and flaxseed oil. And, why would you be thinking this, the young lad did not propose did he?
[Side note: ew I am gonna puke in my mouth just thinking of boy jiz. Ew balls. God you fuckin SSL's are so lucky I am even talking about HRC with you right now.] Do not text your friends/ coworkers/ mother pre first date, listing all his positive attributes building up someone you do not yet know. Wait to get to know him. Please. (So what did you hear here: do not judge him, do not champion him just go out with him and have some funfun.) Do NOT look at him like someone to split the electric bill with.
DO Look at him like someone to orgasm all over the place with. Do (just) go on the date and enjoy the meal and the conversation.
Do checksie and see if your nani gets wet when you look at his mouth.
Do be charming and funny or stay the hell home sister. My fierce, amazeballs SSL allow mama to introduce another round of First Date Dosies and Don'tsies the topic this time is: The Male Ego and how SSL's commonly crush it pre/during/post FIRST date. Let us begin with this simple true statement: men and woman are very/very/very different. The male ego is very/very/very/very different from the females. If you understand the male ego you will get every single thing you want from not only the HRC in your world but from clients, doorman, the douche bag seated next to you on the subway and the cable man. Not kidding.
**By the way, no arguments allowed, just do exactly as Mother says and watch your happiness double, your dating life quadruple and your sex life blow up, son! Do respond physically to his touch on your shoulder or hand etc on the first date if you have any inkling of desire to get physical with this potential HRC. This means smile with sex in your eyes or touch him back in a similar non sexual with promise of future sex place ie shoulder and/or bicep. A non response to the male ego indicates you are not interested sexually. Read that again, sister make sure you heard it. Do send the right signals at the end of the date if he has your blessing in the goodbye/french/ make out sesh. What are these signals : biting your lip while looking at his, leaning in just a lil too close at any point near the end of the date as though you are listening to him, etc. Not sending signals indicates to the male ego that he should not take the leap, the chance, the risk and try to kiss you at the end of the date. Do text him the next day if you want another date. Not texting indicates to the male ego that you do not wish to see him again. Here is what you say. "I had a good time last nite, let's do it again soon." Ladies, do you read the sexual innuendo in that seemingly innocent text? Choose words to give him a boner without him understanding why…male ego love boner. Male ego do what woman want if male have boner. This first text is your initial deposit into the "getting what you want fund". No gals, stop it; I am not teaching your how to manipulate men; I am teaching you how to speak in a language that appeals to them. Side Note: In the coming chapters (pun intended) we will fastidiously explore the way gals so commonly crush the male ego with just words alone once a relationship has begun. We will learn a new ego friendly language. We will explore the cause and effect of crushed male ego and how it never benefits you. We will also discuss the importance of continued blow jobs after the first six months of dating. At that time I expect your HRC's to send me a thank you note and/or flowers and/or organic chocolates.
WHY: Next order of biz nas: Equality. Equal rights for all! Many many many of you SSL's think it's the mans job to book the date, pay for the date and follow up with YOU after the date. We in same sex relationships do not prescribe to this as we are out there as equals. Why not try that on gals. No, seriously I am asking WHY not try that on. OH I hear your reasons coming in via instant message…something to do with your last boyfriends shitty pay/spending habits or your dead beat take-take-take bio Dad. Okaaaay, please keep reading my gorgeous, SSL. Somehow you fab-gorg SSL's are bitter and burned by the previous ding dongs that you seemingly think if the current/potential HRC's don't book, pay, follow-up that they will be a sloth who takes advantage of you if you pursue a relationship with them. C'mon ladies, I mean really. First off, never punish a man for something another man has done. Never, ever, ever do that. And do not assume he is some super man who does not suffer from fear, insecurities, financial strains or worries, shyness etc. Also, lez take a moment my gorgeous SSL's and acknowledge YOU choose the previous ding dongs. With that said, it is very very very important for your metaphysics and law of attraction that you let go of blaming dingdongs from yesteryear. Own that you chose them and hopefully you have learned some amazeballs lessons. Ladies, listen to me, I have had my heart dragged around and kicked down but guess what I can be fully honest and state I chose the women that did that to me, it was a 50/50 act of participation. But best of all, I learned from loving the bad ones. I got my Ivy League education from loving the bad ones and I am now done choosing that type of person and entering that type of relationship. SSL'S instead of expecting every man to be a dingdong like your past men how about sending each fellow in the past a thank you note for teaching you about yourself, relationships and what you deserve and want. Then take your big diamond and 24k gold metaphorical scissors and cut the ties that bind you to the past dingdongs. Buh-bye.
Baby girl, just cuz you ask him out or ask for his number or text him flirtyness post first date does not mean once you have a baby you will be stuck balancing the budget, changing the diapers and providing a great hot meal each day. How about this…don't get knocked up by a dingdong, get knocked up by your equal and you won't have to worry about all the aforementioned malarkey. And ladies, on the flip side there is no reason to sell to your friends all the doors he held, or the expensive restaurant he took you to or how chic his shoes were cuz that too does not mean he is gonna be some rad amazeballs boyfriend. But why are we thinking ahead to the relationship…we are still dating lets just date SSL.
Post first date after you have reviewed his charm, manners, etc flip the mirror on yourself and look at what you were like thru his eyes. Were you charming, hilarious, witty, well mannered and so forth? Always flip the script post date. New way to respond to friends/fam/coworkers:
If you begin seeing one of your dates consistently have lots of orgasms and dinners out. When people ask are you in love, is he the one and so on, just say, I don't know we just started dating. Say this for the first six months of dating. Bonus TidBit:
Once a relationship has begun and you have had your first fight is the time to start thinking could I live with this person. Would I want this person to co parent with me. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT MOVING IN UNTIL AFTER THE FIRST MAJOR FIGHT. Why? Cuz how a person deals with conflict is the biggest clue into their internal world and any issues they may bring to the relationship. To close my delish lil SSL:
* On each date ask yourself do I want his wiener in my mouth or vagine.
* Am I remembering this dude is a human being just as I am.
*Am I being charming and gracious and hi-larious as well as sending the signals?
*Remember your dosies and don'tsies and report back to mama how the SSL be gettin HRC 9 days a week! You are Welcome.
Galadriel Layla Masterson