Hot List for having/maintaining a Cuntastic Summer

Summer is a season we fill with expectation. From the first time we saw Grease or read Francesca Lia Block/Judy Blume we have been conditioned to respond to summer with dreams of the perfect tan, body, romance and to earn a ton of money during this season. And ya know what feels real real good kids? To meet those expectations. Therefore I have provided a Hot Sheet on how to have and maintain a Cuntastic Summer!

You're Welcome, Galadriel Layla Masterson

1. A dear and generous friend with either a beach house or a house upstate/in the countryside of France/Italy.

2. Or your own beach house or house upstate; preferably a rental so you don't spend your summer fretting over roof repairs and drainage systems.

3. SPF or if you want to age prematurely, no SPF; it's your life live it for you. I know everything, but some people cannot be taught.

4. Juicer…chewing is very fall/winter and looks inappropz in the summer months. Juice everything from fruit to veggies..see my other blogs for Lady Soup.

5. A membership to Soul Cycle as Spin is the sure fire way to look bikini ready…I suggest you go five days a week. I also suggest you go first thing in the morning as 45 minutes of spin will cause your engines to rev for the next 14 hours and you will burn an additional 190 calories through out your day. If you do not have a Soul Cycle near you then find a local gym with a heavy pre-work or post-work SPIN scheddie darling!

6. Color: Summer is thee season to leave the dark denim and chic black clothes hanging in the closet and rock color.  I want to see the whole world in salmon dockers and a hot pink short. I want neon baggy tank tops and crayola orange toenails on all of you. If you are under the age of 24 please dye your hair blue and maintain the color every week so as to not begin looking like a fish tank in need of a cleaning. Thank You. pps offers some maj chicness in huuuge, bright color.

7. Fruit for breakfast, fruit all morning long until lunch and nothing else. Gorge on that gorg fruit. Pineapple is a digestive enzyme and blueberries are tiny lil fiber bombs. Just remember darling, the rule on melon: eat it alone or leave it alone. Melon cannot digest with any other food this means you will bloat and get gas if you combine melon with other yummies.

8. Join Living Social Books online to see what your friends on Facebook are reading and go out and buy yourself six good books. My profile will suggest:
Random Family, Adrian Nicole LeBlanc
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
JD Salinger's, Short Stories,
Joan Didion's, Play It As It Lays,
Fit For Life, Harvey Diamond
You Had Me at Woof, Julie Klam

9. Birkenstocks…they aren't just for Lesbians and Hippies they are coveted by fashions elite. And guess what else they offer incredible arch and lower back support. I suggest you get leopard ones like mine.

10. Travel to places where you don't have phone service and leave the laptop and ipad at home. For New Yorkers this means revisit numbers 1 and 2 of our hot list. Kid,s it's real-real important to just be. Ya know like how you were in the 90's; when you were just a person moving around the world without a component attached to you?  Remember when you had to call your voicemail from a payphone to see if Johnny/Sally/Sue had called? NO fone, No computer means you are just you. Try it!

11. Sex. Lots of it. In new positions. In an avant guarde setting. C'mon, get dirty.

12. Bike riding: it literally makes you younger. Wear a helmet unless you think your brains would look chic splattered on pavement or if you don't mind suffering a brain injury and being retarded.

13. Water. News flash! It's free! The more you consume the fresher and younger you look. And, if you took my advice on the Spin stuff you need one ounce for every minute you were spinning through out the remainder of the day.

14. Take the summer off from judgement: on yourself and on others. Pick it back up in the Fall if you so desire.

15. Have a contest with yourself or with a companion: who can exhibit thee most exquisite manners.

16. Hola never goes out of style and whittles your waist line.

17. Get a bathing suit that makes you feel major. I don't care if it is Target, Jcrew or Lanvin I just want you to feel maj adorbz and confident when you are traipsin' around half naked.

18. Break a pattern.

19. Form a new Pattern: patterns/habits take 21 days to develop so if you do something for 21 days it is your new habit. And that goes for everything smoking, spinning, sexing, blogging…what is your new habit?

20. Eat outside as much as possible.

21. Enjoy the summer, make new memories, be kind to everyone and don't judge your B.O.D in a bikini.

bonus: go to a legal gay wedding NEW YORK! holler!

*spec thanks to Rebecca Plymate for always having a million dollar idea for moi!