This blog is going to begin with a song and performance, starring YOU. Before reading, please go to a mirror and sing to yourself in an almost reprimanding/schooling/finger wagging and/or ghetto girl kinda way. Please use the melody of, It's My Party, the 1963, Number One hit by Lesley Gore :" It's my blog and I'll blog what I want to, blog what I want to, blog what I want to…you would blog too if it happened to you" Really step out of the victimy 1950's voice of the orig lyrics and really flip the script on yourself when you do the mirror work on this reworked number one hit. Moving on, please don't get all jazzed thinking the song lyrics of you would blog too if it happened to you indicates I am about to spin a tale for you of being a single working mom tied up for 19 hours in the Congo. No. Like most bloggers it's just my mundane version of hilarity. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you THE RULES. I would appreciate your efforts in following them. ________________________________________________________________ If you have wrinkles don't wear wrinkles. Feel free to enjoy a crumpled up tee shirt until the day you see the first line on your face. If you are vintage don't wear vintage. White sneakers are never acceptable in life or in fitness pursuits. They age immediately and immediately age you. They read child molester. No need to leave your phone number on your outgoing message we just dialed it. Always treat your neck the same way you treat your face in terms of moisturizing and sunscreen and cleansing. They will all age at the same rate however, Botox and face lifts don't help a neck Thumb rings are only for lesbians and only for those lesbians with access to a time machine traveling back to say '92-'94. If you share a home with your lover do not break up with them via text or email unless you want them to go bat shit crazy on your ass. Dear Couples,
No one and I mean no one wants to hear you bicker. Hearing you bicker as we share a meal with you or a car ride or a trip to the dog run is the equivalent to watching you masturbate or smelling you fart. Bicker at home, alone and never ever anywhere else.
Everyone Outside of the Bickering Relationship. Always wear sunglasses after sunset or on flights if you desire to appear famous.
(this blog is being typed on a flight using gogoinflight.com so clearly I know what I am talking about.) Only address a woman as Ma'am if; (a) you want her to hate/hit you or (b) she is over the age of 70. Don't move in with your lover until you have had at least one big fight. You don't really know a person until you see how they handle conflict. Don't be cheap if you want respect or sex, being cheap is gross and a turn off. Generosity gives everyone around you a boner. For example why cheap up a fruit salad with big, bulky melon why not go for gold and use just berries. An addendum if you will: always reach for your wallet at the end of a meal in a restaurant. Please do not reach for your wallet at dinner parties or after sex. If you choose to rock the outdated accessory known as the watch make sure it's quality reflects the value of your time. For example, an old Timex on the wrist of someone climbing up the corporate ladder says my time is worth very little whereas a Rolex says my time is uber valuable can you afford me bitch? A swatch says I am fun and affordable and don't need more than a part time job. If a pal invites you to coffee or dinner unless the invite includes your partner/best friend/brother/sister do not bring them along too. Gals over 40 can rarely pull off blond hair as it ages over-40 skin. Go brown ladies and watch your skin appear flawless and youthful without a trip to the dermo. Gals over 40 can instantly appear classy, chic and sexy by cutting their hair to collar bone or jaw bone length. Gravity is already pulling your features down why accentuate this visual with long hair. Long hair is not sexy if you have Botox or have gone thru menopause. Long hair can be revisited over the age of 60 if you let it go all grey and wear it in two braids. Thanks in advance the mgmt. (Inner Office Memo: please forward this rule to all Real Housewives Sets, Stat.) If you are hungry at work or in the doctor's waiting room please grab a light snack maybe some almonds or an apple NOT your finger nails and cuticles. If you date anyone ten years younger than yourself you are screaming to the world, "my emotional maturity does not equate my age but to that of a (insert new partners age here) and I can no longer get one over on or fool my own age group." Rule…grow up via therapy, it will be painful but you can do it. Some day whilst chatting on the tele why not cut all the tags out of your panties…tags aren't cute/sporty/sexy/posh. And hey, while you are there are there… any panties with holes or stains; lez toss those too. Your underware should always be ready for hot hot hot sex and should never be something you hide. Please do not misread the friendly way I wrote this rule as a suggestion, is not, it is a rule. Here is the number one home decor rule : If it is not a display item why is it on display? Houseguests: when you leave the home you were lucky enough to stay in provide ample thank you's, a small gift and aesthetically make it seem as though you were never there. ie: clean the bathroom, make the bed etc. Little things like flowers, a homecooked dinner, or a toilet paper purchase will make you a cherished guest. And never assume your host is cruise director. When someone says, How Are You after the appropriate response always inquire how they are as well. I can't even believe I have to say that one out loud but I do so to make it friendlier please read in a southern accent. If you are not gay don't be caught using the words dyke or fag. Same concept applies to ethnicity indicating slang. Do the math people, why you wanna get slapped? Always compliment an artist on whatever it is they create. If you are a lesbian please keep your nails clean and short. Don't drink and drive. Grey hair can be chic but please know it ages your real age by ten years. A smile is your best accessory. Good Manners don't cost you a penny but will make you look like chicest motherfucker in the room. Do not drink milk in a Spin class or Aerobics class. If you are overweight don't pick on or mock slender gals unless you would like to have the tables turned. Do address the janitor with the same kindness and respect you would the CEO of your company. Do read my blog and follow me on twitter or something really really bad will happen. +++++please note these are just a few of the rules. Additional rules will arrive without warning as will the pop quizzes. It is my blog and I will blog what I want to.