DIET BLOG! DIETS R FUN! I HEART DIETS! (I have been on a diet since 1974 I am an expert)

Well buddy, it's that time of year: Diet Time! The holidays are over and you are feeling big as barn and willing to do whatever it takes to get back to your ideal weight…the weight from early October, remember how the jeans fit then?

But let me begin with a cautionary tale on cheap shortcuts. Years ago I made a classic New England boiled dinner and invited and old pal to join me. At the time, I lived in a large cheap apartment in the unheard of (gasp!) Brooklyn. So dinner meant my Manhattan-ite friend would also spend the night…the mile commute would prove to be too too much. We followed our ample and far too filling dinner with huge steaming mugs of shitters tea. I assumed the whole world knew what shitters tea was but for those that do not; it is a violent, herbal tea that not only taste like shit but will rape your intestines. Very Black Swan. Shitters tea is often labeled as Dieters Tea or Ballerina Tea. Interesting side note, I was on full vocal rest on this particular, bountiful eve of New England boiled dinner and copious amounts of shitters tea. You see, I was a singer in an all-girl, pop/punk band at the time and after having a small camera slid down my throat or shall we say, after I deep throated a small camera; it was discovered by my ENT that I had a nodule on my vocal chord from over use and mis-use. Anyhoo, the first chord of treatment was full vocal rest. Meaning no speaking out loud, no whispering, no humming, no singing, no using the vocal chords a'tall, darling. Which, I might add was one of thee most powerful experiences of my adult life as I was not saying syllable one but I was thinking of what I would say or how I would respond and those thoughts revealed a double edge sword to me about my words and relationships. Anyway, back to bowels….around four am I awoke in a cold sweat and was doubled over with soul crushing stomach cramps. I ran to the bathroom only to find my friend already inside with the door locked. I knocked, he screamed. I tapped, he barked. "What poison did you give me!!??" I quickly scrawled on a piece of paper to please wrap it up, as I am about to shit my pants and slid it under the bathroom door. Well kids, cut to me shitting in the kitchen garbage pail and of course being immediately alarmed and ashamed. So naturally, I gathered the garbage bag and headed down to the outside bins to discard of said garbage. Imagine me with bleached blonde hair, smudged black eye makeup, a full length leopard print nightie, very Mrs Roper does 70's porn, carrying a bag of my own shit in dawns early light. And of course, I bump into my buildings super. My super thankfully was fairly pilled up on Oxy or something calming and didn't seem to notice the shit, the nightie or the vocal rest as we made conversation (ie; he talked, I nodded). This entire scene was duplicated again around 7:30am including the tag team toilet needs, knocking, pleading handwritten note, garbage, etc. Although in my old age I have moved on to more sophisticated /Canyon Ranch ways to clear the body of toxins I will say both my friend and I awoke feeling spunky, punky, now, wow and slim the next day!

I have been dieting since 1974. Therefore, that makes me an expert. I am a 38 year old woman with the body of a 17 year old boy which only adds to my expertness in Hollywood's favorite topic, Dieting!

Anyhooper, I was a ten pound baby at birth and I only got bigger. At age two the family doctor advised my mother stop compensating for her lack of maternal love for her first born daughter with food. He may not have been the one to word it like that, we might have to fast forward to a therapy office, NYC, early millennium for that gem.

 My first at age 2 was a huge success and the empowering feeling of slimming and trimming stuck to me like white on rice. Ps: eating white rice is not advised. Pps: please read Diet Number 8 for advice on whites.

Throughout the middle school years my best friend and I would always claim to be on a diet. What that meant was we ate cottage cheese aka diet food with every meal even if that meal was a burger on a bun fresh off the grill and a huge plate of pickles. So long as we had the cottage cheese on our plates we were effectively dieting.

If you wanna know how to fit in your dress for the Daytime Emmy's honey, I can tell you how. Or quite simply, try any one of the following diets for 3 weeks and I guarantee you will let go of a minimum of 5 gorgeous pounds.  Lez review the various diet options.

1. Pain Train Diet :The most effective one is if you can get your partner to stage a breakup with you…hello no appetite just metabolism revving anxiety! Your thighs will melt like butter in just five short days; although on this kind of diet five days will feel like a year of agonizing hell. If you are currently single and don't wanna be left out of reaping the benefits of the breakup aka pain train diet then maybe have your best friend tell you he/she has 2 months to live, or ask your boss to "fire" you the week before the holidays.

2. Lets tawk a new fave: Eat For Your Blood Type Diet: I am A positive which of course all God's chosen Angels who walk the earth are. Do you find yourself bloating after every meal? Contending with post meal fatigue?  Embarrassing and relationship killing gas got ya down? Well darling, you are prob eating the things your blood type cannot use as fuel and energy. For example O blood types thrive on meat and cheese but an A blood type is gonna lose energy after eating and bloat like they preggles. Before I tried this lil gem of a diet I had gained a bit of weight in a years time and although the scale hasn't moved my stomach is no longer bloated, my digestion is golden, my energy level is that of a ten year old boys.

3. Atkins: If you cut out carbs no matter who you are or your blood type or your age you will lose weight. You will gain it back when you put carbs back in, sorry but someone had to tell you, so why not make that someone me, right now. Anywayzzz, a metabolic process happens when your body isn't burning carbs for fuel…your body burns fat for fuel instead and this is Ketosis. Think about it..if your body doesn't have carbs to run on it is gonna go to those fatty areas ie the tummy n thighs and use that fat for fuel. To get to this point you need to consume less than 20 grams of carbs a day. Start countin kids cuz this means no bread, pasta, rice, cereal, grains, potatoes, corn, beets, carrots, juice, fruit or soda. Without carbs you must get very Hollywood, very Kardashian. For breakfast you will do scrambled egg whites with some cottage cheese or some greens. For lunch you will do grilled salmon with steamed greens. For a snack you will have some string cheese or 8 almonds. 8 almonds honey not 10. For dinner you will have grilled chicken on a salad.  If you are vegan or veg you are basically having tofu and greens at every meal. Listen Kids, Atkins if a quick fix and not a long lasting one but hello not eating bagels and rice for a week is a good thing. Atkins is the way to go before a high school reunion for sure!

4. Longterm Livestrong: Lemon water every morning first thing upon rising. The juice of one lemon is theee kindest thing you can do to your body on the daily other than quitting smoking. Lemon cleans the liver. When consumed first thing it takes the toxins you accumulated while you slept and washes them from your body. You start the day pure and gorg and with your body's engine ready to run and burn!

5. But Galadriel, I have a sweet tooth so I just can't ever seem to lose a pound. Darling, Chew and Spit. All the taste and only trace calories! Pop that double chocolate chocolate chip cookie in your mouth and chew and savor; now don't swallow honey, spit it out. Yes, I am suggesting this for real. Don't get all cray cray and send the eating disorder police after me it's not like I suggested you eat fat free toilet paper to fill up your tiny tummy, gawd!

6. Cardio...seriously why is this such a mystery to people. You guys, if you do at least 30 min (or more) a day 5 times a week it will boost your metabolism and you will lose weight. If you do it 3 times a week you will maintain your current weight. I spent a year ordering unusual pills, putting turmeric and cayenne on everything, googling: why does falling in love makes you a fatty fatty two by four can't fit thru the kitchen door, acupuncture, prayer, basically everything except, CARDIO. On the second to last day of the year I asked my GYN why getting older makes you gain weight. She said your metabolism is slowing down and the only way you can speed it up is hello, CARDIO. Somehow it clicked and I am now on the MadonnaGaGa Cardio Cure for what ails you then darlin.(read last six words in heavy Irish accent please)

7. Whole Foods. Processed food will make you fat. Don't eat anything with more than three ingredients in it. You are not gonna get skinny eating snackwells and drinking diet soda. Sars, but you aren't. Fake foods like, Equal and Sweet n Low make you fat. If you can't pronounce the ingredient and it is in your primary language it will make you fat. Whenever my lil sister who is a Partay Animal wants to get lean she eats only plants for a week. Whether you want to lose 3000 pounds or just be healthy, kids this is the way to go. Think of it; a lovely egg in the morn along with some sauteed greens and a fresh juice or hey maybe a smoothie made just with fruits. For lunch why not bake a spaghetti squash and serve with sauteed onions, spinach and green zucchini. Perhaps a gorg piece of fruit for a snack or some lovely nuts or seeds. For Dinner how does a big green salad with cilantro, cucumber, grated beets and daikon, avocado and lemon juice sound? Perhaps you would like some raw kale on the side that you have covered with Olive Oil, sea salt, lemon, pumpkin seeds then gently massaged all together! Now kids, notice I did not suggest highly processed soy products or yogurt or bread…basically imagine you have to eat just from a garden. And someone is dropping off olive oil, sea salt, nuts and seeds for you. If that last part sounds weird I was imagining you trapped without a vehicle on a small rural farm in Tuscany and the person delivering the olive oil, nuts and seeds to be a healthy, natural fiber wearing, tanned, lithe with flirtatious smile type.

8. The Whites are Bad Diet. No white rice. No white flour. No white sugar. No white potatoes. And no white people. These white things will make you fat.

9. The Secret. Stop saying you want to lose weight cuz if we lose things we always want to find them or replace them. Sooo do you want to lose the weight then find it again but this time not on your ass but on your gut, my darling? No! Try this instead : I have easily and gratefully let go of two stone. (say in an English accent and for the record over there they say stone for ten pounds.) Let the weight go; it's not doing you any good unless of course you are a plus model and then by all means do not let that weight go. You girls are the ones we are sickly jellz of. You are effin gorgeous. You are rich as all get out and you get to eat (basically) what you want. For the record, I am coming back as either a baller or a plus size model. Another great affirmation is, "My metabolism is reeeaaaally fast."  Using The Secret/Quantum Physics/Law of Attraction, fully imagine yourself at your perfect, ideal weight and feel now how you will feel then in something tight as you sashay your toned lil hiney down New York's 5th Ave, or thru the doors at Sears in Rutland, Vermont or as you press into a VIP party in the Hollywood Hills. Really see it, really feel it and watch it happen. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." -Albert Einstein.

When I was a teen I had three best friends and each of their homes offered a very different cuisine from my own. My house was a welfare hippie house. We didn't have sugar cereal or chips or soda ever ever ever.  A snack was walnuts and raisins. Whereas, at Stephanie Bird's house there were always cheese singles and dill pickles. When Stephanie and I were on winter vacay and her parents were at work I would leave our movie or soap opera watching and sneak to the fridge for more cheese singles and dill pickles. I would also drink the pickle juice direct from the jar which I thought made my boobs grow. (Still an a cup, it didn't.) At Shannon's house we had Crystal Light and Top Ramen/Oodles of Noodles. We would lament over why our hairdressers couldn't seem to perm our hair to look like Top Ramen…we even thought it might be wise to bring the Top Ramen to the hair salon as a reference. One weekend at my third bff's house, we learned about liquid diets.  As her fun Mom was dashing out the door on a romantic getaway she left us with a cheesecake, a bottle of tequila, Polaroid film and instructions. She said, ok girls this is how you do it, you lick the salt off your hand, do a shot of tequila, then follow it up by sucking on a lime wedge. Cut to a few hours later, three 15 year old girls had smeared cheesecake all over the windows and had polaroided our boobs. But, then we got scared the boys coming over would think we were lesbians so we flushed the boob polaroids down the toilet but rather than making their way thru Vermont's sewer system they just floated in the bowl.

10. You are What You Eat. If you eat a cow, you will look like a cow. If you eat pig, you will soon look like a pig. I am not one of those who will ever shove conscious or cruelty free eating and living down any ones throat but will be pleased as punch to share my vegan cooking, as I am thee worlds best vegan cook. I myself, have been an on and off (mostly on) veg and vegan since I was 15.

11. Suffer aka Cleanse. Choose one month of every year where you will not have a drop of booze nor will you have sugar. This is such a joyous break for your little kidney and liver not to mention your soul. I am a fan of sober January. I love to start the new year with clean, pure intentions and I love being kind to my body after the holiday malarkey. I know others that do Sober October…I am not sure if they like how that sounds or if they are just clearing the clutter to make room for the holiday malarkey. And recently I heard from a teen about No Nonsense November. No Candy. No Carbs. No Soda. No going out. Salad with No dressing. No drinking.
*If right now you are saying, wait what? A teen said no drinking, but but teens aren't old enough to drink. Then you need to rent the movie Thirteen and get with the program as that's what teens are up to cuz ain't no one badder to the bone then a good ole American Teen. It is also highly beneficial to cleanse once or twice through out the year for seven days. This means fruits and veggies only. Water by the bucket loads and lemon juice in water and nothin else. Or you can check out the Goop blog for a great cleanse which includes a bit more food. Or you can check out Clean cleanse or Blueprint cleanse. This is the place where some foodies get real jazzed. Lemme put it to ya real simple, you wouldn't drive your car all year long and not change the oil and vacuum out the inside would you? Or in some people's case you wouldn't park your car in your driveway at night then hold down the gas with a cinder block revving the engine all nite, every night would you? Your body should be cleansed and maintained and given a rest the same way darling.

Well my darlings I wish you happiness and joy as you clean up and let go! Let us close with my recipe for Lady Soup.

Chop up:
Two cucumbers
2 Avocados
2 Carrots
Shred 1/2 of a Beet
Throw all together in a blender with about a cup of water, a tablespoon of Flaxseed Oil, Sea Salt, the juice of two limes and a skitch of lime zest as well as a handful of Arugula.
Puree.
Pour into bowls, top with a tablespoon of Nutrional Yeast (for all of your amino acids and vitamin b complex's) and serve Galadriel's Famous Cleansing Healing Loving Lady Soup!

Today my fave foods are green. I am full blown kale addict. There I said it.

Advertisements