The Tree


I am, apparently one of the few hip/lezberry/fashion stylist/former musician/blogger types who just worships and adores Xmas! I love all Xmas decor, from 99 cent store tacky to the ultra chic n timeless, wreath covered windows of brownstones. I love when Chinese restaurants hang snowmen in their windows. I love small town homes covered in lights like it's frickin Vegas. I especially love that every single store and radio station in all 50 states play non stop, holiday hits. My number one holiday jam is "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses, but really, I love 'em all. When I was in junior high my younger sister was reeeaaally feeling Xmas. Everyday she would lay on the couch with a book of Christmas carols and go page by page and meticulously sing each one with passion and tremendous feeling. To be cool, I would walk by expressionless OR  look at her with disgust.

I enjoy popping in and out of stores, getting just snippets of various holiday hits stuck on repeat in me ole noggin as much as I love say, being in a car on the interstate for six hours hearing nothing and I mean nothing but Xmas songs.  I sing along to each and every one as, miraculously they are all in my range, in my vocal sweet spot. My only true regret as a retired musician is that I never recorded a Christmas hit….that hurts…I am still nursing that wound.

Now don't be fooled by the rocks that I got I'm still, I'm still a former scrooge from the block. (omg did I just go there and really sing/write that? Xmas is a great time to pull out all your unforgivably cheezy jokes.) There were a few dark years where I claimed to either hate Xmas or hate the materialism or 'Xmas means nothing to me at all, it's just another day'. One of my top hater years was in my early 20's; I had just gotten out of a four year relationship and was living in my brand new, punk rock, barbie dream house apartment. Think pink wall to wall carpet, baby grey sectional with a coke den looking coffee table, two walls pink zebra, one wall pale blue leopard, entry way all graffiti. Gorg right? So maj! Anyhoo, I had the flu that year on Christmas, I called Bed Bath and Beyond and asked if they delivered, they of course said, yes cuz this is New York. I felt soo Courtney Love as I ordered up lavender satin pillow cases, new sheets, some cutlery and god knows what else.

As a child one of the Xmas's that really stands out is fourth grade. My mom was preggles with my littlest sister. It was a huge scandal in our super small town, that this single mom of three was preggerz again. Equally scandalous, was who the birth father was; but that is a whole other blog. Anyhoo, we were always pretty poor but that year my mother had a credit card and she maxed that lil bitch out on Xmas gifts. I had never ever, in my life, seen so many gifts spilling out from under the tree. I got every single thing I wanted…the unicorn printed turtleneck , the unicorn notebook, the whale printed makeup/pencil bag and so on. (side note: To be honest I did not get one of those wooden handle purses but that's okay I have forgotten all about it.) I called every single one of my friends and listed to them what I had received; I could hear the jealousy as they mouth breathed into the phone. My brother got every Bowie, Stones and Who album a young rock n roll teen could want. This was not one of the years my brother and I met up late at the Xmas tree to carefully and quietly unwrap and re wrap every single gift whether it was for us or not; we started that malarchy two years later. This was however, the year my mother kept the tree up until Easter. Not kidding, Easter.  Friends would come over to play in the yard with tulips poking their way thru the fresh, new springtime earth and there in the living stood our tree covered in Xmas decor, tons of tinsel and the lights plugged in…and oddly very few needles had fallen off.

Another huge thing of my childhood Xmas's was my very best friends mom's annual decorating mood. They always put their tree up the day after Thanksgiving…a fake tree of course. They were part of the middle class chic ; the kind of folks that make up my small town…maybe a G.E.D, maybe a teen pregnancy but now a job at one of our local factories manufacturing snow shoes and rocking chairs or maybe at our state run facility for the mentally retarded and they were making bank, straight up Benjamin's, their hourly rate was gorgeous. They had an above ground pool, cowl neck sweaters in every pastel color, Atari and a fridge full of cheese singles and dill pickles (we couldn't afford such luxury as cheese singles, we had government delivered block cheese) They also had a finished basement perfect for working on dance routines or roller skating or a great place to hide after making too many prank phone calls, but that too, is another blog, ladies and gentleburgers. Back to the annual decorating mood…when her mom was trimming the tree it brought out a lot of anger, don't know why. That goddamn tree looked perfect, like department store display perfect and we knew to get the hell out of the way and stay in her room listening to Eye of the Tiger on 45 and talk about boys or our future weddings. Also, another thing I loved/hated was after Xmas my bff would leave her presents displayed in their boxes under the tree so whomever came over could see what she had received. I can picture their home perfectly it was a double wide trailer…like when you take two trailers and put them together aka the most moderne home a family could have in the 80's in Brandon, Vermont. And hello, that house was one where everything was new and spotless. Every. Single. Thing. In. The. House. Was. Spotless. From the, "If You Tinkle When You Sprinkle Be a Sweetie and Wipe the Seatie" ceramic plaque in the bathroom; to the never holding a lick of dust, velvet painting of Elvis crying and singing into a microphone. I spent so much of my childhood in that home and will probably end up dedicating many more a blog to my bff and her family. I'm jazzed just thinkin bout it!

Years later in New York City I made another bff slash sometimes roomate who went on to become a successful comedian. I love his take on the Xmas tree…

I have shared a few poignant Xmas holidays with him,  there was the one where he brought his other really good lesbo friend so there we were, three gays were at the Xmas dinner table enjoying our manicotti, eggplant parm, biscotti etc as his brother in law proceeded to announce his, how shall we say, not so flattering feelings on homo's in general. Or how about the Xmas eve I stopped by his mothers house to drop off her gift, a copy of the book The Vagina Monologues in which I inscribed 'from one cunt to another'. Now mind you, I was using the word cunt in an empowering female kinda way but as he pointed out "you said the cunt to my mother on Christmas. ON Christmas! You are never invited here again"

Here is my tree Xmas 2010. This is the year I am becoming classy with my tree.  I am a fan of the white tree covered in pink lights and balls (eeeww balls gross!) but my girlfriend is one classy lady and she likes chic simplicity from her Alexander Wang tee shirts to her Helmut Lang winter baby likes quality in everything.  And this bossy lezberry is allowing herself to be visually guided out of the hot pink garland and into a white light. I am feeling very found object, very Anthropology home-wears  and loving it. I did insist though that our dogs have a studio photo with Santa…I mean hello you have to draw the line somewhere with the elegance.
Oh and I put my tree in the kitchen, feeling part avant guarde/ part the kitchen is the heart and soul of the operation sooo you do the math.

To close let me address something outside of my penchant for the holidays: I do not know nuthin bout spelling and grammar. If you see spelling and grammar mistakes instead of just telling me, girl you need to check your spelling and grammar ( I did 110 times) tell me the specific mistake. Someday when I am a baller I will have an editor until then enjoy mi errrrorz!