pooping-sneezing-orgasms.

pooping.sneezing.orgasm’s.

 People, I have an announcement to make, although it should come as no new news (or is it know new knews or no knew newz?) to not a one of you; these are every 1’z three favorite things; that is my announcement. If these are NOT your three fave things then hold please dear alien child the mother-ship shall return soon to zip you safely back to Planet Zyd&4hd2bie/ge^7>dotcombackslashomigodwhathappened2uwhohurtu?

Everyone loves to Poop. Babies do it right in their pants. Puppies do it everywhere. And yeah I am gonna go for gold and say it, cuz it’s my blog, bitches and I am gonna say what I want in every blog that is mine mine mine: All y’all, almost always turn around and look at it. You are only saying; eeeww gross, she’s gross, I can’t believe she just said that… cuz I said it out loud; you know it is actually quite true. Riddle me this, what kind of superstar/movie star/ pop star/ average joe would ever say,  I don’t want to release my toxic waste I would rather get real real bloated and gassy… but thanks for askin!

Sneezing. The build up is psychologically similar to that of an orgasm. Without, however, the same level of bodily or emotional satisfaction. I mean c’mon people, I haven’t been sent by some marketing company to repackage and resell the sneeze. Nor does it need any repackaging, it’s just fantastic all on it’s own! Sneezing is like if top 40 music, a tabloid or a sale at a department store could provide a physical release. You forget it before the next 60 seconds have passed but it feels soo good just then, just at that moment. And so long as I have your ear, can we all agree on this: to vote the sneeze as Best Upper Body Release.

Orgasm. I will pass on the orgasm and instead I think I will just have a marg or a hot fudge sundae or nestle in with a book from the New Times best seller list. Omigod, can you get a visual on the person who would respond that way to the word Orgasm or the invitation to do so? Take a moment and develop that image. Now take off your judgement hat and take a deeeep inhale and deep cleansing exhale. Anyhooshal, back to the rest of us who quite enjoy a good ole orgasmic moment every damn time we can get one.
Orgasming: Alone. With the one you love. With the one whose name you can’t shout in ecstasy cuz ya never asked it or can’t remember it. Paid for. Free of charge. It. Is. Always. Good. Orgasm’s ladies and gentlemen, are like Madonna and Pizza…even when its mediocre or a lil off; its still sooooo fucking good.

Speaking of which, this leads me to the IRS. I bring it up cuz I believe to most tax fearing Americans the IRS would be considered the worst, task/call/payment/evasion etc. But allow me to enlighten you…I recently went to an IRS office here in the once epicenter of finance..lower Manhattan. I was blown away by what a barrel of monkeys it was. First off, the whole staff loves to gab, giggle and snack and they do all three while using landlines…isn’t that quirky! After the biggish, older, urban born n raised gal assigned to moi pulled up and printed out all my lost/missing 1099’s I said, “Omigod thank YOU! I was so scared to come here but you have been incredibly helpful”. To which she simply replied, “That’s why we are here…to help”. And ya know what…I believe her. Especially cuz she said “to help” the way a language teacher would after explaining a verb. I might add, while she printed out all my earning statements I had the pleasure of looking at her bowl of tempting, individually wrapped hard candies and her adorable stuffed bear with an antidote printed on the balloon it held. Yet, what I really liked were all her xeroxed copies of whimsical feel good thingymajigs she had printed and tacked to her cubical. My fave was this one:

FOR YOUR GARDEN

 THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
  1. Peace of mind
  2. Peace of heart
  3. Peace of soul

  PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
  1. Squash gossip
  2. Squash indifference
  3. Squash grumbling
  4. Squash selfishness

  PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
  1. Lettuce be faithful
  2. Lettuce be kind
  3. Lettuce be patient
  4. Lettuce really love one another

  NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
  1. Turnip for meetings
  2. Turnip for service
  3. Turnip to help one another

  TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
  1. Thyme for each other
  2. Thyme for family
  3. Thyme for friends

  WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

And that dear children concludes this blog. They may not come as often as you or I do. They may not blow our minds everytime or leave us speechless. They may not cure our woes but you ho’s can take what I give you and shut up and act like you like it. Thankyou.

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