How To Survive Losing the Alleged Love of Your Life

INTRODUCTION… I have several ammmaaaazing people in my life going thru some significant change/breakups/heartbreak so I thought to meself (read that line and the next one in an english accent please) time to pull out something I wrote a long time ago.  Read on…. (side note you can read this in my voice or in an irish accent both are very powerful for this topic, thanx, the mgmt)

Okay first off you want to die right. Maybe you are imagining being hit by a bus or being the victim of a drive by shooting or maybe your broken heart will just stop beating and you will drop dead or die in your sleep. Omigod perfect cuz then you imagine the alleged love of your life receiving the call that you are dead and you imagine how they will collapse and die themselves. Honey, just imagine it all, but not too much, cuz whatever we think eventually becomes real when we give it enough of our powerful energy. A few weeks of dramatic and morbid thinking won’t kill you or anybody else though.

In this day and age we believe in “The Secret” (manifesting what we want in life through our thoughts) and with all our good karma/intentions we have lost the fine art of revenge. Guess what, dear broken hearted, ones we can combine them both.
Here’s how. Happy. Pretty. Busy.

Happy, pretty, busy is how you must be perceived by everyone in your world and every stranger you pass on the street. Fake it, till you make it.  Eventually you won’t be acting happy pretty busy, you actually will be. And your ex will get wind of it and wonder how you can be so happy, pretty and busy without them! Living well is the best revenge. Repeat that two more times now to yourself and as often as you need to through out the day. The logic behind all of this is if you act like you are living well lady then the universe will follow suit and match your efforts.

Happy… I know you are far from happy right now but guess what, you are gonna play a lil game I like to call fake it till you make it. When you hate the world and everyone in it instead of letting that angry monologue run all day create a new soundtrack. Walk around saying my god what a gorgeous day…I don’t care if its freezing rain, SAY IT. Go to work with a big fat smile on your mug whilst saying to yourself, I am so excited to go to work for 12 hours, I love my job and I am so valued and appreciated at work! When you open your wallet to pay for your brownie cuz it’s the only thing you can choke down say, I am one rich bitch, honey, this wallet is full of money! Literally say the opposite of the sadness and anger and depression you feel…speak happiness and watch happiness come your way. You think this is some kind of new age bullshit…well you are right it is…this is new…this is a new age and this bullshit game you are gonna play with yourself works like a charm. Try it. Happy!

Pretty…bitch I do not care how bad you feel. Put on that special eyeliner, highlight your cheek bones and smile. Those jeans that make your thighs look amazing, put em on. Rock your break up weight loss sister. Of course we know if you have caught your reflection in a store window during these times wow…who looks old and sad? (insert your reflection here) Antidote: Smile. Smile like you just got a flirt text or a raise. Fuckin smile no matter how hard it hurts. And go get botox. I am serious. I am cereal to the maxvillelite. When you have botox the frown and the scowl literally, physically can’t happen, baby. Pay to have it erased from your face.  Smooth, calm, not bothered, pretty. And then, when you hole up that unicorn sweatshirt, not quite yet able to live in the higher version of yourself, you post those newly botoxed happy pix on your social network. No not the sad ones. No one likes a victim. No one is attracted to the poor lil thing in need. We want what we can’t have and if your ex love is feeling like shit and you are feeling like a millions bux…well you do the math sweetie.

Busy. And no baby I don't mean how busy you have been online….
(The ex's online profile, anyone’s profiles who left them a comment, anyone’s profiles who they might leave a comment for. And of course google. Maybe there is an obituary of your ex! Or perhaps a sick part of you wants to find a  picture of the ex making out with someone else right? Is this how we look busy? Nope!)
 We are busy at work, pursing new projects, hobbies, classes, friends, dates, parties. Maybe you are even busy finally cleaning out that closet or busy catching up with friends n family online…just be busy dollface! Get busy making a broken hearts cure playlist and then one day you find yourself dancing to it in the kitchen and you will say, oooooooh shit who’s feeling good!  So busy in fact we don’t have time to think about them right? If they call we really wouldn’t even be able to find the time to return the call/ text/ email even if your blackberry/ifone is super glued to your hand waiting like a fool for that text. Busy baby, busy.

 Thru the fun jazzy reading material I am providing here, you are saying to yourself, okay I get it, I will act as if I am doing fine BUT hello I am not fine I am crying on the cross town bus and at the organic market.
Sweetie I know you are, and it’s okay to cry to own your feelings and to process and to let go. And hello, chances are you will even get a nasty flu during this time. That is ok…it is your body letting go of that toxic relationship. Think of it this way your soul has the flu and you just might need to stay in bed and take naps and rent movies during this time. Another great thing you can do is write the letter you will never send. In this letter to your alleged you have full permission to NOT  be cool or therapized.  Write the letter that if anyone ever read, they would call you a crazy bitch. Rip the alleged to shreds and tell them everything about them that is demented and sad. Now burn it. While it burns you are releasing into the universe all the angry and sad energy that connects you this person. You might even try saying, I take back all of my energy from so and so and I give back to so and so all of their energy that I hold inside of me. And when you burn it say I am letting you go dear, darling, alleged love of my life because you are not worthy of this queen.
But listen up I want you to save this letter in a file on your computer and read it in six months….wowzer are you gonna feel shocked at your progress six months from now.

 Clearing your mind, body and soul of the ex's energy is amazeballs and powerful action.
 Take down the framed photos of the two of you looking happy and in love. Take their picture off your desktop slide show. Don’t wear the shirt they left behind…scrub your fuckin toilet with it, with a big grin on your gorgeous face; then throw it out. Don’t wear the jewelry they gave you…even if it’s a piece you love. Let it sit in the jewelry box for a few months while the energy it originally came from dissipates. If ya can bear it: throw it out and when you do say I am throwing out the heartache and pain and keeping only for myself in my memory ,the good.  Or if you can’t bring yourself to throw pricey jewels into the river or sea then go sell it and get yourself a gorgeous gift! Gift yourself a lot during this time, I don’t care if you have a big budget and can buy a new Marc Jacobs bag or are flat broke and can only buy a cute tee shirt at Forever 21 or a new notebook at the 99 cent store….. just gift yourself baby. Next: Scrub your whole apartment and wash the blanket you shared.  Get their vibe out the door yo! In the Chinese culture on the last day of the year they sweep out their homes and sweep all the old year's dirt out the door. It doesn’t have to be New Years for you to take the power of this tradition. Clean it out, sister.

 I know there were amaaaazing good times and beautiful memories; you don’t have to erase those just put them on a high shelf until you can look at them again without feeling like a piece of poo full of unanswered questions.
Unanswered questions…ouch. This leads me to my next point. Creating closure for yourself without getting answers from the alleged. Closure does not come from a friend's wise words or the ex's heartfelt explanations/apologies. Closure comes from you saying I may be sad, I may be mad but I am okay all on my own, in my beautiful life of my own creation.  Ask yourself who am I? What am I? What do I want from this lifetime besides the alleged? "I want to be happy, pretty and busy and I am!!!!"  Side note suggestion box…I had an ex who owed me an apology and surprise surprise I never got it and never will. So guess what I did….I apologized to myself for sticking around, getting back together, eating shit and pretending it was caviar etc. So you see I GOT my apology after all!

 Cut to more wine and more cigarettes. Cut to lets focus on you cuz baby you were born alone and you will die alone so ultimately you only have yourself. Would you fuck you? (Answer yes. If you answer no; get into therapy stat) Are you a good loyal big sister/brother/friend to yourself? Can you count on yourself to take good care of the one (you) that is hurting? If yes, you are on a very good track. If no lets review a few basics.

Basic 1: First throw yourself a pity party. Only you are invited. I suggest you go home, put on sweats, order fried chicken n French fries and a coke and put on a reality show trashy trash marathon or Real Housewhores of any city. Sit there and shove your fried yumminess into your pie hole and sulk and feel real bad about things. If you have a pet invite them to join…I know my pug loves a lil french fry or chicken.

Basic 2: Do something you have never done, something new age/spiritual. Go to yoga, go to a Buddha mediation class, go to Kabbalah, go sit in a beautiful church in your hood even if you don’t believe in God. When you are there state clearly to your soul what you are releasing and exhale. Now inhale…inhale into your heart and feel the spaciousness you have just created by clearing some clutter. This space will soon be filled with something wonderful… a new love, a new friend, a project. That is the basics of scientific metaphysics, honey.

Basic 3: Tie a piece of embroidery string on your wrist. Think Madonna’s Kabbalah bracelet. Tie it in a knot three times and as you do state your intentions to the universe. "I intend to feel amazing and gorgeous and whole. I intend to receive an abundance of happiness and success. I intend to have no limits on how well I live my life." When this bracelet falls off you will have those things. And every time you look down at your gorgeous lil wrist you will be reminded of your intentions. Choose a color that speaks to you. Black cuz you are dead inside. Purple cuz you are living in the highest version of yourself. Orange cuz you are re-invigorated. Your choice.

Basic 4:  You may be asking, where do we stand on texting and emailing the ex? C'mon lady you know the answer…DON'T or at the least try not to for a few months. Like I said before, how bout you write the letter you will never send. And don't pull that bullshit of, I have to pick up my such and such from him/her or he/she has to come by and give me my blah blah blah. No. You don't need to get your such and such and fuck the blah blah blah, go get a new one. In addition, you may find your friends and family could be getting sick of the sob story but perhaps you have one friend who for a few weeks will be the person you can tell what you would love to say in a text or call. This takes a good friend cuz its toxic energy you are releasing and now they have to hear it but it can really help you if the pal is up for it. Do not overstay your welcome on this release pattern or your friend will get sick n tired of hearing it but it can get you from point A to point B or C or D and that’s the point! Watch your mood and your ‘tude with your nearest and dearest family and friends during this mourning period as well. Your crew is there for you but its important not to deplete them with your broken record waaaa waaaa/I miss them so much/I hate them so much/I’m so depressed shit. Let your friends know about your progress. Enjoy your friends, live vicariously thru their good stories about their loves and lives. Hang out with people that make you laugh. But, don’t make them do all the work or you will ruin your rep. Think about it: if your pal is feeling all good on a Saturday afternoon do they wanna call up angry, depressed girl and ruin their own mood? No, baby they wanna call up another interesting, fun person to co-create their own interesting fun lives. This is why I say; watch your mood and tude.

 Any detox takes three months…don't matter if it's ciggies, booze, sugar, or a person you are gonna be detoxin for 90 days, darlin. I know that seems like an eternity but for three months if you can go without contacting your alleged love, chances are your head is gonna be in a very healthy place. I’ve had to detox a lover like a junkie kickin smack. And like a junkie getting clean I avoided people, places and things that may have to do with the ex or remind me of the ex. That means don’t go to the places they hang out or where you hung out together.  Don’t try to make coffee dates with their friends or mutual friends who are more their friends.  If you run into one of their friends and they say in that concerned voice, how are yooouuu?  Just say with a bright smile, Never Better! So busy! How are you? And don’t mention syllable one bout the ex. If they bring the ex up just smile and nod and change the topic back to them with a compliment…girl your skin looks aamazing what’s your secret? (pul leeeze honey everyone loves to talk about themselves!) Then lie about the event or meeting you are late to and dash off. So happy, so busy and didn’t you look pretty doin it!

Basic 5: Darling this is also a great time to start working out so if your ex ever see’s you on the street you look even better than they remember. (sometimes twisted motivation is great) This is a fabulous time to try a new haircut or color….change is good! Go get massages, get mani and pedis and shave your legs like you are about to get laid even if you are not. Put some gorg scented lotion in your ears….just in case some hottie whispers something to you…you smell gorg and available! Make yourself a healthy yumsville dinner. Buy your apt flowers and overpriced candles. A lil retail therapy goes a long way in a breakup darling…new boots and jeans are a sure fire way to feel gorg n good! I mean c'mon rock that break up weight loss in new skinny jeans! Treat yourself the way you wanna be treated and this is the new energy you will attract into your life. Lighting candles and burning incense clears the energy in your home btw and we like that.

Final important step to being the queen of the world:  Think about what you learned about yourself in the relationship.  Think about what you learned both good and bad about the kind of person you are to date or be involved with. If you own your short comings and your bullshit in relationships you can replace them with charming amazing qualities and attract a much better person to you the next time you play the dating game! Learn it! Cuz you don’t wanna repeat that tragic story do you? You wanna step it up with the next person you give your heart too. And my darling,  you only will if you have learned, otherwise the universe will keep giving your sorry ass the same lesson until you do learn. I know the journey is not over till its over, believe me I have gone back to trouble several times and my friends could not believe a strong, intelligent, talented woman like myself would do it. If you don't lose respect for yourself then the people in your life won't lose respect for you either.  
Take care, protect and educate yourself like you would take care of a child or someone that you love dearly.

Happy pretty busy. Happy pretty busy.  These three words will become your truth. Being a fake bitch goes a long long way it will attract good days and good energy until its all real. Fake it till you make it.

*special thanks to danielle st laurent for teaching me happyprettybusy circa 2008.
happyprettybusy is a registered trademark of galadriel masterson, inc.